If Self-Love is Soothing, You’re Doing it Wrong.

Think back to when you first heard of the term self-love or self-care, and if your answer feels recent, or not as far back as you’d think, then you’re not alone. 

While there is no exact origin, the Merriam-Webster Dictionary notes the first known use-of self-love or self-care dates back to the 1950s to 1980s. It wasn’t until the modern cultural movements of the late 20th and early 21st centuries that we began to see the concepts merge with ideas of self-esteem or self-respect, and mental health awareness - eventually forming what we now call self-love.

But the concept itself may go as far back as Ancient Greece, with the term “philautia” (phee-lav-tee-ah). In Aristotelian ethics, healthy philautia was seen as a virtue and the foundation of all loves and the common good. Not to be confused with narcissism, it is the ability to accept oneself, flaws and all, in the pursuit of becoming one’s best version. This love of oneself was considered the basis for all other loves, particularly the love for others.

The same echoes can be found in Taoist philosophy to the works of Persian poet Rumi. Taoism regards self-love as the practice of accepting the natural flow of self-criticism and external validation. Rumi’s wisdom too, rarely strays from the practice of self awareness as the path to inner comfort.

The Washed Modern Concept of Self-Love

We can all agree that self-love means loving oneself, prioritizing happiness and positivity. Yet in today’s visually saturated world, the concept is often represented through the tyranny of modern aesthetics.

Think of a perfectly curated image of a marbled matcha latte, strategically paired with a poetry book in a well-lit setup. Or perhaps a bubble bath garnished with rose petals and a glass of rosé, heavily-filtered and captioned with a gentle reminder to “love yourself today”.

Nothing is wrong with that - but self-love at its roots, is not beautiful. If anything, it is one of the most complex, agonizing, and ultimately rewarding philosophical concepts one has the privilege to explore. The process is slow, difficult, and oftentimes, deeply ugly. 

The Ugly Truth of Self-Love

It is easy to succumb to the Instagram version of self-love, but we must ask: What is it really, before it’s packaged into marketing or wellness angles? In truth, self-love demands three things that personally speaking, are far from soothing or easy:

1. Discipline: The Relentless, Uncomfortable Choice

There is a reason why the 5AM Club or 75-hard communities are seen as remarkable achievements. They stand in complete opposition to the common pop-culture narrative that implies self-love with ease: "Do what feels good." 

True self-love often means choosing what is hard now for the benefit of the self later. This is discipline.

It is the discipline to set a boundary with a loved one that you know will lead to an uncomfortable, silent week. It is the grit required to wake up early to work on a difficult goal instead of yielding to the warmth of the duvet. It is choosing the grueling honesty of a therapy session over the temporary balm of escapism.

Discipline is the anti-soothing duty of consistently choosing your long-term integrity over your short-term comfort. If you can only love the self when it is being pampered, then you don't love the self—you love the self's pleasure.

2. Forgiveness: The Agonizing Confrontation

Forgiving others or self-forgiveness is perhaps one of the messiest and most demanding journeys in life. It’s the act of looking through the lens of honesty to confront past mistakes, stupid decisions, or fundamental failures, and still move toward acceptance.

It is sitting with your shame or regrets, and then —with great difficulty—choosing to go. This process is emotionally raw. It demands deep self-accountability, the pain of re-examining old wounds, and the humility to accept yourself as a fallible human being. 

When you do the work of forgiving the self, you are not being soothed; you are being healed.

3. Resistance: The Unseen, Uncurated Self

The modern, commodified self-love thrives on documentation: the perfect bath must be shared, the moment of reflection must be posted. This makes self-love less about introspection and more about audience management.

True self-love is the work you do when the lighting is terrible, when your body is sick, when your thoughts are unkind, and when the result can’t be filtered or posted for likes. It is ugly because it is private, uncurated, and without applause. 

This kind of resistance requires you to detach your worth from aesthetics, and find meaning in the unpolished parts of your inner life. Yet this exact resistance elevates self-love from a consumer trend back into a philosophical virtue.

Final Thoughts - To repeat, there is absolutely nothing wrong with expressing self-love through aesthetics. But it is important to challenge, or at least reflect on, the unstripped version of it.

Understand that while progress and growth may be hard and intangible goals to track, there’s a simple rule-of-thumb that you can always count on: 

If your idea of self-love feels soothing and pretty, you might be doing it wrong. Real self-love is uncomfortable, imperfect, and ugly. And that’s exactly why it’s worth doing.